That time I published my first book about discovering new senses and then fell in love

Today, I celebrate two years since I published my first book.  The title came from a passing comment my daughter, Ansley, made to me as we were lying beside one another, trying to fall asleep on a rainy spring night in 2016. She said to me, “Mommy, how do I stay awake?” I said to her, “are you sure that’s what you want to do?” She nodded her tired little head and snuggled it into my arm. I explain, “Well then, if you don’t want to go to sleep, close your eyes and go into your dream.”

Writing this book was a personal attempt to bring several working ideas into a single fruition. I wanted to create a children’s book for my own children to be able to read. It needed to tell them about personal responsibility and how important it was to internalize that responsibility. It had to explore an awakening of senses, an exploration of what they can do, and what to do with them once a level of mastery is achieved. I was experimenting with digital coloring and lighting techniques for the illustrations.  They use lighting to direct focal points. I was teaching my children a little bit about how to read sheet music in the summer of 2015, and so music entered as a way of structuring an unknown with something known.

After reading a version of “Jack and the Beanstalk” and wondering where this story may have come from, I began an obsessive mental exercise that wandered through the world of giants and angels. The protagonist, Sera, came into focus inside this world and took the form of an angel discovering her origins in the sky above. She would learn how to master them, and return home with a newfound sense of responsibility for her village.

I had never tried to produce a published work on my own, and found the biggest struggle was actually finishing it. Most artists can relate to the perfectionist tendency that keeps their work evolving. This tendency kept me at work in my free-time for nearly two years on this project.  It began as a simple 8-page picture book and became the 80-page illustrated chapter book sitting on my bookshelf today.

I enlisted the help of a few of my book-loving friends to begin the process of ending the thing. They lent their time to reading and proofing the story and gave honest feedback to smootha texture that is even, without any roughness or bumps, conveying a sense of calmness, sleekness, or elegance it out. I even learned that I had been spelling “straight” (like a straight line) as “strait” (like the Bering Strait) MY WHOLE LIFE, never knowing the error of my silly ways. Auto-correct can only help so much, apparently.

The best part of the story happens in the middle, when Sera is falling back toward her home. She gets stuck in the space between at The Edge, and figures out through sheer will how to overcome her incapacitation:

I finally allowed the book to be deemed finished after all the revisions were incorporated, the opinions considered, and the elusive standard of perfection to be abandoned. I asked myself, “Does this story say the thing it needs to say?” and clicked UPLOAD…

The book came to life with the help of Amazon and Createspace. I ordered my very first proof and waited not-so-very-patiently on my doorstep as it was delivered. I brought it inside immediately and opened it. The smell of printing fumes wafted through my face as I ripped the little strip from the cardboard wrapper.

There it was. Two long years of blind persistence, wavering self-discipline, and dedication to a dream sandwiched between two green and pink covers. Later that evening, I showed my daughter, Avaline, the book and received my first official review, “Mommy, your book is so pretty!”

I had fallen in lovea strong feeling of affection and attachment towards someone or something with creating stories.

If You Don’t Want to Go to Sleep, Close Your Eyes: A Story about What the Chrysanthemum Knows

Originally published on November 14th, 2016

ISBN: 978-0-9982705-0-0

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